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My Journey Through Agoraphobia - Part 5
This page added 31 January 2011
By Janesse – written December 2009[see also: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4]
Part 5
Hi Everyone,
It is hard to believe that Christmas has come around again so soon!
As some of you know from my writings, this is not my favourite time of year. For me, as for many, it is a sad time of year.
The
enforced ‘jolliness’ that seems to be everywhere at this time just
makes any feelings of sadness, loss and loneliness so much worse. Then
you can feel almost guilty for not getting into the so called “Christmas
Spirit”. I have mentioned before that at some Christmas’s I tried to
force myself to get into the Christmas Spirit which only made me feel
worse. Now what I do is to tell myself it is ok to allow my feelings of
sadness, loss and loneliness to be there. I try to sit quietly with them
for a little while and cry if I need to. I also try to remember that I
am not alone in these feelings. Many people feel the same way and it is
ok. Then I try to get on with my day, whatever that entails.
Since
my agoraphobia I have often been alone on Christmas Day as I was unable
to leave the house to join my partner or friends for Christmas. To be
honest I never really got used to it and I didn’t like it. What helped
was, as I said, allowing my feelings, and also planning something really
nice for myself. Maybe having a big box of chocolates all to myself,
watching a DVD, giving myself a facial or a manicure/pedicure or reading
a great book.
However it is easy at this time to feel
overwhelmed with those feelings of sadness and I would really urge you
to talk to your therapist about things that can help at this time.
Another problem at this time can be change of routine due to the
holidays.
It can make us more anxious not to have that familiar
routine. Friends, neighbours or family may be going away at this time,
which may worry us and make us feel isolated and alone. Here we may also
need some strategies for coping. Again, talk to your therapist or talk
to your friends or family about how you are feeling.
Talking to
your friends or family about your feelings may be difficult. I was very
embarrassed and ashamed to admit those feelings and while now I don’t go
shouting it from the rooftops I have been able to learn to not be so
ashamed and to let people, where appropriate, know a little more of my
feelings. It can help if you can be honest about your feelings, whether
it is anxiety, sadness, loneliness or isolation. Don’t brush aside these
feelings or pretend that you are ok when you are not. A great sense of
relief can often be had by being true to your feelings.
I would
caution though to be careful who you choose to share with. Sometimes if
we express those feelings and feel like we are not being understood or
acknowledged it can makes us feel even more isolated or depressed.
A
trusted family member or friend is the best way to go. If they or a
therapist are not available through the Christmas period I would suggest
ringing Lifeline.
Another alternative can be the internet. I
have some mixed feelings about the internet and online groups. They can
sometimes be a useful source of support if you are feeling isolated. If
you don’t belong to any online groups, have a look and see if they would
be something you are comfortable with. Apart from online forums and
groups dealing with depression or anxiety, there are many other groups
and forums to be found on the internet no matter what your interests
are.
For example, I love animals and belong to a pet forum where
many things are discussed. On the forum they have an off topic section
where they talk about anything at all. This can range from shopping
advice to serious personal issues.
There are quite a few people
on there suffering from agoraphobia, depression and other mental
illnesses. Sometimes it can be effective to be an anonymous person on a
forum discussing your problems with others who are coping with similar
issues. One Christmas day I went to my pet forum and there were
many people on there who were alone on Christmas day and were having a
discussion about their feelings. While I didn’t join in on that
occasion, it really helped to know that there were people around (even
if it was on an internet forum), that I could talk to if I needed too.
There are groups/forums for parents, for car lovers, various sports,
music, art, television, craft, fashion, weather, almost anything you can
think of!!
Before I go I just wanted to update you on my journey through agoraphobia. I
continue to venture out and about. I am doing more things that I have
not been able to do for a long time and I continue to work with my
therapist to deal with my emotional issues that drive my agoraphobia.
Often I am going two steps forward and one step back, but the important
thing is I continue to go forward how ever big or small the steps may
be. There are still many things I cannot do or things that I have
trouble with because of my anxiety and I have days where it feels like I
have made no progress at all and I feel like I will never be free of
this.
It truly is up, down up down, up, down.
I am heartened by the wise words of Pauline McKinnon in her book “In Stillness Conquer Fear”.
“...we
exist in order to grow. Our very existence is imperfect too, and the
fact that anxiety is present sometimes only indicates a stepping stone
to further fulfilment. With the practice of stillness, we can move
firmly from that stepping stone to the next stage of development…
So
if at times you seem to go backwards a little, remember that this is
only temporary, like a crack in a healing wound… When you wake each
morning, give thanks for this day with the promise it holds. Recall
regularly, with interest and affection, all the events and those people
who have touched your life… Look forward to all that is still to come.
And each evening, as you drift into sleep, gently bring to mind at least
one good moment from the day that’s just passed. That keeps hope
alive.” (p. 171)
To me there could be no better Christmas message.
My wish for anyone struggling with anxiety is for everyone to feel that spirit of hope.
All of my love,
Janesse – Written December 2009
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