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My Journey Through Agoraphobia - Part 4
This page added 11 January 2011
By Janesse – written December 2009[see also: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3]
Part 4
Hi everyone,
Well it has been awhile!
Many things have happened to me in the interim. Some good, some bad but then that is life really isn’t it?
I
am pleased to say that I have made some good progress in my recovery
from agoraphobia. I still have a long way to go but I am getting there
slowly, and I hope surely. What makes me the happiest is that I am now
able to go to the beach and swim in the ocean sometimes. I am not doing
this on my own yet, but I am doing it!
I have always loved the
beach and the swimming in the ocean. It has always felt like home for
me. The years when I could not get to the beach due to my agoraphobia
were like torture to me. A beautiful summer day and I was locked inside
not able to get to the ocean.
We have had a couple of house moves and each time we moved a
little closer to the ocean. The first day I decided I wanted to try, at
the time we lived a short drive away. We set out with Nick driving and I
was anxious as usual. So many times I wanted to tell Nick to turn the
car around and head home but I was torn as it was a beautiful day and I
not only wanted to see the ocean, I wanted to jump into it.
We got there and I was scared to leave the relative safety of the car,
and scared to walk to the sand in case I became anxious. It is a bay
more than a beach, very flat with only gentle waves. I got out of the
car and for the first time in a long time smelt the wonderful sea air,
and saw that vast ocean. With Nick assuring me all the way we made it
down on to the sand. I felt the glorious soft sand in between my toes
and breathed a sigh of relief. I was still anxious, but I wanted to get
in that water!
When I put my toes in I squealed with delight at
finally feeling the water against my skin. I had to immerse my body in
this wonderful water. I dived in and floated on my back.
Oh My
God! It was pure bliss! I won’t lie to you I was still a little anxious,
but it felt so good that I thought I don’t care, I could die happy now I
have been in the ocean again.
Oh! To feel that salty water on my
face, to taste it in my nose and mouth; to lie and float and look at
the sky, and to touch feel and hear the beauty of nature again.
It
was so overwhelming to me I wanted to cry. To cry because I was so
happy to be in my beloved ocean again, but also for all the years I
couldn’t get here, for all the years of not being able to do this, all
the years of missing this experience, all the years of being locked
away, a prisoner of my own mind.
After my swim I wanted to lie on
the sand and feel the sun dry my body, but I was too scared and I
didn’t want to spoil my experience, so we got back in the car. I was so
happy!
Then I wondered would I be able to do it again? For me
as an anxious person the doubts can start pretty quickly! What if that
was a fluke? What if I can never do it again? What if next time I get
really anxious? What if I have a really bad panic attack on the beach
and it spoils it for me and I am too scared to go back?
I am
pleased to say that I did go back as often as I could find someone to
take me. For those who don’t know, I am unable to go out on my own. I
carried all of those doubts with me each time, and sometimes I was so
anxious I had to turn back home and then I would be so disappointed and
frustrated with myself.
I did mange to go to the beach and swim
often though. Again it was often with anxiety as my constant companion.
Each time I did relax a bit more and was able to stay a bit longer.
Even
on the days when I wanted to turn back, often I thought of how it would
feel to lie in the ocean and that got me through so I could go to the
beach. Often it was a huge struggle for me though.
Since then we moved within walking distance to the bay, and I have swam many times.
I guess there are a couple of things I would like to share with you from all of this.
Number one is never ever give up hope of recovering from agoraphobia.
I did lose hope many many times. I felt hopeless and cried with despair.
Many times I was too afraid to take even any small step toward recovery.
And
then when I did try, even something small, the fear would drive me
back. I would be disappointed in myself and beat myself up by telling
myself it was no good even trying, as I just get disappointed and feel
like a big failure, I was stuck.
As you have read, I did get ‘unstuck’. How?
Number
one I found a good psychotherapist. She made it easy for me to come to
appointments with her. On the days when I was too anxious to get there
she would do phone sessions with me and showed me great understanding
and compassion.
She also told me that it would take time for me to recover and it has, a long time!
I have been seeing her for quite a few years now.
She
has been a huge force in my recovery. She tells me I need to be proud
of myself. Not only did I show up for my appointments (whether they be
in person or on the phone) but I did the work that was needed in our
sessions. As I was seeing a psychotherapist, our work involved lots of
dealing with past issues that I had suppressed and lots and lots and
lots of hard emotional work. It was painful, deeply painful, but with
her help I did it. And I am proud of myself for that.
All of that emotional work was, for me, the key that enabled me to try to venture out more and more, that and meditation.
For
those of you who have read my pieces before you probably think I sound
like a broken record but I will keep on saying it as I truly believe it
makes the difference.
I meditate every day, sometimes twice a day
now. In the beginning of my meditation practice I would find every
excuse not to do it. Sometimes I was too scared to do it but gradually I
got myself into a routine of doing it every day.
I use Pauline
McKinnon’s mediation CD: Stillness Meditation. It is by far the best
meditation technique I have ever done. Her book In Stillness Conquer
Fear is also wonderful and has been a valuable tool in my recovery.
Pauline
often conducts workshops through ADAVIC. As I am in Sydney I can’t
attend, but I would urge you to go if you can. Pauline is a
psychotherapist who went through agoraphobia herself so she does know
exactly what we go through. I have never met Pauline but I have thanked
the universe many times for bringing her CD and book into my life.
Please
know that no matter how hopeless you think your situation is, that
there is help out there for you. You may not go down exactly the same
road I have, you may need to find your own road but do not give up
trying to find a way through. You can and you will.
I am not completely recovered yet, but I am doing things that I had never dreamed of a few years ago.
You
may be thinking “but she doesn’t know how afraid I am”. “She doesn’t
know the awful thoughts that I have, how bad the fear I feel gets!”
I promise you I do know. And I promise you can get better.
Until next time,
All my love, Janesse (ADAVIC member from Sydney) —written 2009
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