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My Journey Through Agoraphobia - Part 3
This page added 29 November 2010
By Janesse - written December 2007
[see also: Part 1, Part 2]
Hi everyone,
Well it is that time of year again isn’t it? Love it or hate it, here it is again.
I think Christmas is a difficult time for many of us who suffer from agoraphobia, anxiety or depression.
Personally I find it difficult, in many ways.
My
beloved mum passed away from breast cancer over 20 years ago now, and
my dear old bugger of a dad passed away almost ten years ago. As I am an
only child, that leaves just me, no other real family. Christmas always
seems to remind me how alone I often feel.
Agoraphobia and
depression can often make us feel alone and isolated anyway, and for me
Christmas just compounds that feeling. Being such a family time, it does
also remind me how much I miss my Mum and Dad, the grief still seems
very real on Christmas Day for me. I also feel extremely sad for
everyone who is alone. I can’t help but think of the people who are
truly all alone and lonely. I guess because I feel like that a little
bit too, my heart really hurts for them.
I have seen this first
hand. Before my agoraphobia and before I was with my partner, I spent
Christmas Day volunteering at a Christmas Lunch that was put on for
people who were alone. It was a happy day in many ways but it was also
sad to see how many people there are who are alone. I still wonder about
some of the people I met that day and how they are.
The other
issues are of course how you are going to be feeling, anxiety-wise or
depression-wise on the day, and the days leading up to it and after it. I
always worry about how I am going to cope, whatever arrangements have
been made for the day.
For the last couple of years my partner
has gone to his family’s house for Christmas Day. I have not been up to
going there, with the drive and coping with the lunch when I have been
so anxious. So I stay home alone. This is difficult sometimes but at
least I know my partner is coming home at the end of the day, and that
does make it easier. As I said my heart goes out to those who are truly
all alone.
When I am at home alone I can usually hear family celebrations
of neighbours. This does make me think that everyone else in the world
is with their family except for me.
Again, this for me is not
just about a Christmas issue; it is an agoraphobic issue, as I could go
to my partner’s family house but because of my anxiety I can’t. We did
have Christmas at our house a few times and while I do prefer that,
there is still the issue of coping with your anxiety and depression on
the day.
I also know from speaking to other people with
agoraphobia, that having to have Christmas at your house all the time
can sometimes be a nuisance for the family, so that you end up feeling
guilty that everyone has had to come to you.
Another problem that
agoraphobics face is how to shop for Christmas if we can’t go out, we
can’t buy presents. These days of course with the internet there is
internet shopping which makes things easier for agoraphobics.
I
think it is not just the actual day of Christmas itself but also the
whole Christmas holiday break that can make us feel more anxious or
depressed. Our regular routine may be disrupted by the holidays and that
can make us feel anxious. Also your therapist, family or friends that
you may look to for help may go away for the holidays and that can make
us feel more vulnerable to anxiety or depression as well.
So how
do we cope with all of that? My best advice is to talk with your
therapist about any concerns you have and they will help you put some
coping strategies in place. As I have said many times here, I am not a
doctor or a therapist but I have found some things that help me to cope
and I am hoping they may be of help to you as well.
Planning in
advance is a good idea. Give yourself plenty of time to do things and to
organise things. Plan things and space them out so you give yourself
time to recover from anything stressful such as shopping (that is of
course if you can manage to get to the shops).
With things such
as shopping for presents or food shopping, go really early in the
morning as soon as the shops open. They are always less crowded then and
you can shop in peace. I found my anxiety was always much less if I
wasn’t trying to cope with a crowded car park or shop, as well as just
the anxiety of going out.
Give yourself a break. If you are at
the stage of your agoraphobia where going out over the Christmas period
is just too much, then give yourself a break and shop online. There are
so many shopping sites for presents and for food now you do have a lot
of choice. Sure, you have to pay a delivery fee but that is worth it if
you are going to be less stressed.
For a long time on Christmas
Day I would not let myself be sad. I would say to myself there are so
many other people worse off than you, how can you be sad? Now that may
be very true, but what saying that to yourself does is it dismisses and
ignores your own feelings of sadness, or loneliness. One of the biggest
things I have learnt is that it is okay to feel sad or lonely.
What
I used to do is try to jolly myself out of it but that never really
worked. I would end up anxious because all those ignored feelings were
bubbling up underneath the surface and had to come out somehow.
Now
what I do is I acknowledge that yes I am feeling sad and lonely today
but that is okay. I accept that it is ok for me to feel that way. So I
try to sit with it for a little while, and then go about the rest of my
day. It seems to work for me.
Then I make sure that I have
something nice planned for me. Whether it is treating myself to a few
nice chocolates, or reading a good book, or watching a favorite DVD. Or
all three!
I really think it is important to do something really
nice for yourself whatever that may be. Have it planned in advance so
you can look forward to it.
The other think I think is important
is to have some sort of back up plan. If you know some of your friends
and family will be away, have other people that you can call if
possible. If you find it hard to find people there is always Lifeline
you can call. If you have a computer there are also chat rooms or forums
that you can go on to talk to people if you feel the need. Use whatever
support makes you feel more secure at this time.
If you have
friends and family around at this time, enlist their support if you need
it. Ask them over for a cuppa and chat, or talk to them on the phone if
you can. It doesn’t have to be a long visit or phone conversation, just
something to get you out of your own head even for 15 minutes can be
good.
I know I seem to mention this every time I write but it is
because I really believe in it! I am talking about meditation. It has
made a huge difference in my anxiety levels. I cannot stress enough how
beneficial it has been to me. In fact if you want to do something really
nice for yourself buy a copy of Pauline McKinnon’s Stillness Meditation
CD and start listening.
If you have a lot of time on your hands
over the holidays and are worried how to fill in the time, again plan
ahead. Have a little project or projects to do. Whether it is going
through old photos and arranging them in new and pretty albums,
revamping your closet, redoing a room, painting, redecorating, planting a
herb garden or flowers, craft projects, etc.
Another issue that
can arise for many of us is a sort of feeling of defeat that another
whole year has gone by and we are still agoraphobic, or anxious, or that
nothing has really changed.
I know I can feel that way. When I
feel like that I have to remind myself that change has happened, that
every step no matter how small, counts.
For those of you who are
feeling stressed, anxious or dreading Christmas, please remember you are
not alone. There are many of us out here feeling the same way.
The best Christmas present for you is this: be kind to yourself.
I wish everyone peace and safety over the holidays.
Love Janesse (ADAVIC Member from Sydney)
– December
2007
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