Added 25 Nov 2018
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a negative emotional response to perceived social isolation. “Perceived”
is the critical word in this definition because loneliness is dependent on how
we evaluate, or perceive, our social lives.
For example;
An individual can live alone in a small country town
and have limited social contact with people. However, they may have many
animals, and see people occasionally when they head to the shops, or go to the
pub. This person does not perceive their situation as problematic and may feel
happy with the amount of social interaction they have. Therefore, they do not
feel lonely.
Another individual, who lives in the city
surrounded by people, has many friends and many family members may still feel
lonely. This person may feel like no one understands them or cares about them.
This person perceives their social life as “not good enough”, and thus feels
isolated.
Others may feel isolated because they have nobody
they can talk to, or because they have had a recent break-up, or a loved one
has died. Essentially, loneliness is a result of a perception of not having
enough social connectedness, rather than how socially isolated a person is.
Why is loneliness painful?
Human beings have evolved as social creatures,
living in tribes, communities and families for thousands of years; our primate ancestors
also live in these social communities. It is believed that our brains have
developed to seek social connectedness because of our ancestry. However, this
day and age we do not live in tribes (most of us), and we move out of our
family homes when we become adults. We do not need to live in groups for
survival anymore; we can simply rent our own place and remain relatively
solitary. Despite this, our brains still crave social interaction, as if we
need it for survival. Other animals, which have evolved to be solitary (tigers,
turtles, owls etc.) do not experience loneliness because their brains do not
react negatively to solitude. However, putting a person, or another social
animal (i.e. a dog), in isolation for an extended period will result in genuine
distress.
Whilst we are biologically wired to be social,
living alone and being introverted is perfectly okay if a healthy level of
social interaction is included in your life. Whilst we need social interaction,
we do not necessarily need the perfect family and hundreds of friends.
Feeling isolated, alone and helpless is terribly
painful. It can make us feel worthless and unlovable. This is often because we
believe that we should have lots of close friends, a perfect
relationship and a happy family. This is the picture portrayed to us through
movies, TV and the media. It can be very helpful to realise that it is okay to
be introverted and spend time alone. Many people lead very happy and productive
lives while living alone. Whilst you can, and should, pursue meaningful
relationships if you want them, removing the stigma of living a life of
solitude can provide some relief.
Why does loneliness feel worse over Christmas?
This picture of the ideal social life is
particularly evident over Christmas, where TV ads show happy families sharing
Christmas presents, kids and dogs playing and everybody socialising. This
emphasis on spending time with others can cause those who feel lonely to feel
much worse than usual.
Addressing Loneliness
1. Changing our perception of periods of
solitude.
We all feel alone during different periods of our life,
perhaps we experienced a break-up, a loved one died or a friend moved overseas.
This can cause us to feel depressed or angry. Instead of feeling sorry for
ourselves, we can try to view our situation in a way that empowers us. We can
view our period of aloneness as an opportunity, an opportunity to grow into a
better and stronger person. Many of us may feel that we could be doing better,
looking after ourselves more, working harder and living life more passionately.
When we have more time to ourselves, we can take that time to do the things
that will benefit us, such as:
-
Beginning an exercise routine
-
De-cluttering the house
-
Starting a creative passion project
-
Seeing a psychologist (if we struggle with
mental health)
-
Quitting our bad habits (smoking, drinking,
drugs, TV, Food etc.)
If we take the time and effort to grow into stronger,
happier people, then we will be more likely to develop meaningful relationships
when the opportunities present themselves.
2. Get out of the House!
Meeting people and building meaningful relationships is the
true antidote to loneliness. Even with the internet, it is hard to build truly
rewarding relationships from your living room. That is why it is important to
get out of the house and try to interact with the outside world as much as you
can. Some ways to do this include:
-
Walking to the local café each morning to have a
coffee and read a book or the paper
-
Signing up for local art classes, book clubs,
sports clubs, martial arts classes, community theatre groups or group exercise
sessions
-
Volunteer; Offer your support down at a local
soup kitchen or other non-for-profit organisation.
There are many other ways to interact with the world, the
more you get out of the house, the better!
Over the Christmas period, and on Christmas day,
volunteering is a beautiful way to spend time with people if you do not have
family or friends to spend time with. By volunteering at an organisation such
as the Salvation Army, you are providing much need compassion to people
struggling, and you get the benefit of interacting with these people, and other
volunteers, instead of staying home during Christmas.
3. Get a pet!
Pets can be amazing companions, especially if you choose the
right type of animal. A dog or a loving cat may provide more emotional support
than a guinea pig or a snake!
Specifically, dogs appear to provide the most benefit to people
because:
-
They increase physical activity because they
need walking everyday
-
They provide companionship because they are very
social animals that grow strong bonds with people
-
They help people socialise, as dogs will stop
and smell each other on walks, allowing the owners to meet each other
-
Provide happiness and fun inside the home, which
may otherwise feel empty to those living alone
-
Adds structure, purpose and responsibility to
owners, as you must care for your dog, whether it be feeding, walking or grooming.
Written By Darcy –
ADAVIC Volunteer