Sharon's story
I always think of my relationship with anxiety starting on 1st January 1991, the date of my first panic attack, but I think it actually started a lot earlier than that. Leading up to that time, two extended family members of mine died and I was to get married in six weeks. I also had the other ingredients for the anxiety recipe such as perfectionism, low self esteem, a habit of worrying and a physically reactive body. I was 20 years old.My first panic attack happened in my fiancee's car as we were driving back from a family get-together. I'd felt a bit sick that day and was feeling rather uptight. The car was hot and, due to a hole in the floor there were also a lot of petrol fumes, which all added to my stress levels. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. My chest and my throat felt tight, I was shaking, I felt light-headed and I had this awful feeling that something terrible was going to happen. Having never experienced a panic attack before, I went to the casualty department of the local public hospital. After being examined by a doctor, a panic attack was diagnosed and I was sent home and told to try not to worry. That was the beginning of a disorder which was to effect my life significantly for the next three years.
I did not sleep that night and saw my family doctor the next day, who prescribed Ducene (Valium) 2mg. The first tablet I took sent me to sleep, but the effects wore off after that. I quite enjoyed the feeling of relaxation they brought on, and although I was not taking more than 2 or 3 a week, I soon became psychologically dependent on them, to the point where I felt panicky if I did not have a tablet with me. I'm not sure how long I took the Ducene for but I did manage to eventually wean myself off them, because I knew that although they relieved some of my anxiety symptoms (such as the tight throat), they were not doing much for my mental health. (I now understand why some doctors are reluctant to prescribe tranquilizers!).
The panic attacks quickly progressed into agoraphobia and I became very anxious about going to the post office, bank, shopping centres, on planes, trains, the underground loop etc. Supermarkets were one of my most feared places and I have many memories of panicking in the checkout queue. It was not these actual places I was scared of but the thought of having a panic attack there and not being able to leave quickly.
I also got anxious when driving more than about 10 minutes from home and I particularly remember how anxious I got visiting my friend who lived about 20 minutes away. I also remember the fear of walking to my local shops, which were about 5 minutes from my home then. I became anxious as soon as I reached the nearby corner and often wondered whether I could go on.
I found it difficult going out with groups of people, especially to crowded restaurants and I sometimes made up excuses not to go, just so I wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety and the fear of what people would think of me if I had a panic attack there. It became very easy to make excuses to avoid places or events. The way an anxiety disorder can restrict a person's life so quickly still amazes me.
I often felt unwell and wondered why I got so many stomach bugs and dizzy spells. I now know it was all my anxiety. During this time I felt very anxious if I could not sit on the end of a row of seats, as I felt trapped if I did. This affected me at university, church, theatre performances, seminars and anywhere with a row of seats!
My anxiety disorder also had an impact on those close to me. I became very emotionally dependent on my mother and my husband. I used to ring up my Mum to ask for help for very minor decisions I had to make, and I would get anxious if my husband went out and I was left on my own. I know it was very draining on them both at times.
Early on in the disorder I had no idea what was going on or how to stop it. I knew I had an anxiety disorder, but why it had occurred or how I was going to get rid of it was a mystery to me. I remember once sitting on the ground in the paddock of the property I grew up on, crying, and for the first time in my life thinking about suicide. I felt I couldn't handle what was happening to me. I remember wondering if I was actually losing my mind.
I initially saw a psychiatrist for treatment, but stopped because I didn't like him at all. I then saw various psychologists and counsellors until I found one I 'clicked' with. This psychologist was very supportive and I saw her for a number of years until I felt I wasn't moving any further along in my recovery. I then found another psychologist who helped me to tackle my issues at a deeper level. I don't see a counsellor at all now.
During this time I never gave up hope of recovering, (even though sometimes of course I did wonder if I ever would), and I spent many times crying over it. My faith in God helped me to keep hoping and I often talked to Him about how I was feeling, and I prayed about my recovery. I also had some very supportive friends, and of course my Mum was always there for me.
My recovery started in the most surprising way; after splitting up with my husband of three years! I realise now what happened was that the event that I feared most (him leaving), actually happened and lo and behold I survived! That time of grieving was not pleasant or easy by any means, but I didn't fall apart like I expected I would. From that time on I found my self esteem progressively started to improve.
During my recovery, which started about 3 years after my first panic attack, but has continued for the past five years, progress has been steady but gradual. One of the first signs that I was gaining control over my disorder was when I began to have panic attacks without panicking! (i.e. I could experience the physical symptoms such as shaking and diarrhoea but without the fear attached to it, as I knew it was just a physical reaction to stress). My agoraphobia began to disappear and my ability to deal with stress increased immensely. I no longer thought "What if I get a panic attack?" before every decision to go out or do something.
I found myself becoming more and more confident and doing things I'd never dreamed of before (such as flying to Tasmania for a holiday, public speaking at church, going camping, leading a support group and hosting a bible study in my house). I discovered an immense sense of freedom and a joy in being alive. The world began to feel like an exciting place, full of new and wonderful experiences, rather than the scary place it had once been. I began to feel more confident socially and most importantly, much more comfortable with and accepting of myself. The harsh, critical voice inside my head was disappearing.
One day I suddenly realised that I have a choice about whether to feel anxious or not. I had never thought of it in this way before. It was both liberating and frightening. It began to dawn on me that I held the key to my own cage.
So what is my relationship with anxiety now? Well I don't suffer panic attacks any more and, although I still get anxious about things, I deal with stress and anxiety a lot better now. I have really gone ahead in leaps and bounds in terms of not worrying about things before I do them (i.e. anticipatory anxiety). I try not to avoid doing things because of fear and I find I am constantly doing things I previously would have thought impossible a few years ago (e.g. going over to the USA later this year).
There have been several sources of inspiration and learning which have helped me along the way. Self help books have often been invaluable and there are a few I think are fantastic and recommend to anyone with a disorder (see end of my story for these). I also received many pearls of wisdom and gentle challenging from my friends and family, most notable my best friend Gail, my Mum and my friend Lee. I also went to several workshops run by Bronwyn Fox (a former anxiety sufferer and author of 'Power over Panic'), who is a real inspiration. Having a good, empathetic doctor who understands the effect of the mind on the body has also been very helpful.
I've listed below a number of the lessons I've learnt along the way that have been integral to my recovery:
- If I don't worry about my physical symptoms of anxiety, the cycle of panic is broken.
- Distracting myself from my anxious thoughts or physical symptoms is one of my most effective anxiety management strategies.
- Things are never as bad as I imagine them to be beforehand and the things I worry about rarely happen.
- Analysing negative thoughts (e.g. "Why do I feel so depressed?") is not helpful and I don't need to know their origin in order to make them go away.
- Worrying about things before they happen does not prepare me, it just makes me miserable
- The answer to "What if I have a panic attack???" is "So what" or "I'll handle it".
- Low self esteem is a choice. I can decide to trust and believe in myself and I can always do more than I think I can.
Although anxiety affected so much of my life for such a long time, I do not regret having experienced it. Although it has been painful, depressing and at times awfully limiting, it has taught me so much about myself and life. If I had not experienced anxiety I would not have learnt the lessons I know today.
Sharon Clifford
Books I have found helpful:
- Aisbett, Bev (1993). Living with it - a survivor's guide to panic attacks. Angus & Robertson, Sydney. (Very readable, presented with amusing cartoons by a woman who has had anxiety herself).
- Fox, Bronwyn (1999). Power over Panic - Freedom from Panic Anxiety Related Disorders. Longman Cheshire, Melbourne.
- Hambly, Dr Kenneth (1991). Banish Anxiety - how to stop worrying & take charge of your life. Thorsons, London. (Good for reassurance regarding physical symptoms).
- Jeffers, Susan (1987) Feel the fear & do it anyway. Arrow Books, London.
