Kim Collins
Touring Australia with George Michael, Whitney Houston and John Farnham as backing vocalist and living in LA working with the like of Jose Feliciano, doing vocals for national TV commercials and appearing on shows like Good Morning Australia and Hey Hey It's Saturday are fantasies not realised by many. Not to mention working with one of Australia's leading fashion designers Adele Palmer, in radio with Fox FM and Triple M and Australia's leading magazine publisher, Australian Consolidated Press.Sounds glamorous and yes, all of these dreams have been realised by Kim Collins, a vibrant, spirited 41 year old but for Kim it has been an extra challenge because Kim is one of the thousands of people afflicted with depression and panic/anxiety disorder.
Kim suffered her first major depressive bout and anxiety attacks at age 18 and has had six major depressive bouts from age 18 to 38. "Everything in your life is affected and getting up each day is a major feat. When you are in a depressed state you are on automatic pilot, you go through the motions barely existing."
"In 1997 I suffered my worst episode, I dropped to 45 kilos. I was working for a Public Speaker as Even Co-ordinator at the time. I was going to work, really struggling to concentrate and at the end of the day would go home, close the curtains and try to sleep to escape my emotional pain. No matter how much sleep I had it was never enough. I could not see my way out of the black hole of darkness that was enveloping me. Totally overwhelmed by despair and hopelessness I tried to take my life and was hospitalized for three months."
"I'd had panic attacks that would last hours on end, my heart would race and I couldn't stop pacing. The longest panic attack I had was eight hours, I was so frightened and wanted to run but I don't know where I wanted to run to, I wanted to run away from me, what I was experiencing and how I was feeling. It was horrific."
"Being hospitalised was the turning point for me because I had been in denial that I had a problem but finally, after two further visits to hospital and my doctor announcing that I would have to take medication for the rest of my life, I was forced to face the truth. I had finally reached the stage where I couldn't fight it any more, I was at my lowest ebb."
"In hospital I undertook a course on rational emotive therapy which made me look at my thought process, how I react to situations and how to change learned behaviours. I also looked at the importance of stress management and relaxation and how to objectively look at my panic attacks."
Now two years down the track Kim admits that she has never felt so good. "It's great to wake up each day without having a black cloud hovering over my head. Until two years ago, I never knew what it was to feel emotionally constant. I don't know how I survived for two decades feeling the way I did, merely existing, sometimes hoping I would die because of the emotional pain I was in. I found solace through singing but it didn't sustain me."
"There is a social stigma associated with mental illness I have been guilty of making judgement of people and I experienced it with friends and family. People think that depression can be fixed by getting a new job, playing more tennis, any distraction, then you would snap out of it. I realise friends and family were scared because they didn't know how to handle me. It is a catch 22 because when someone is clinically depressed they can't 'snap out of it'. You are in so much emotional pain and the more you try to change how you feel, the more isolated and alone you feel. I needed nurturing and support, someone to just sit with me when I cried, someone to be with me and not talk of pass judgement, someone to let me be me. Fortunately my friends learnt how to do this for me when I was in hospital."
"My goal is to help people realise their full potential regardless of their emotional/physical legacy. I've lived life and experienced all that life has to offer, good and bad, and in extremes. I was to continue my quest to realise my full potential and I'd say I'm half way there. My goal is to record a solo album, marry and have a family but more importantly I want to educate people about depression. If I can help one person then my experience has been worth it."
"I feel like I've got so much time to make up for having spent two decades in a depressed haze. I've experienced so much pain and on the other hand I'm starting to experience the joys life offers. I am so blessed to have come out the other end. I am proud of every little accomplishment and I try and live day by day.
I continually make changes in life and my attitude towards life. Healing does not just come solely from take medication while at times it is essential, I've looked at my life from a wholistic perspective. I've amended my diet and exercise and become very conscious of how I think and how I talk to myself. I do what makes my happy and I'm more accepting of my limitations. I've also eased up on my need to be perfect.that's a big one."
Kim has been to hell and back, but this is testimony that there is life after depression and life is pretty wonderful.
Kim Collins
