Dreams do come true
"I needed my LIFE BACK"
Kealy Smith, 40, of Melbourne, Vic, is proud of conquering her crippling panic attacks.Until Last year, I had a full life. I worked as an anti-graffiti manager for a local council and presented a magazine-style program for a community radio station. In between, I kept up with my two teenage children, Lew and Em, swam regularly to keep fit and went out with my friends. If someone had asked, I'd have described myself as a very confident person.
But after I moved in with a new partner, life became very stressful. It was a really difficult relationship and my confidence plunged. I moved out after eight months and resettled with the kids across town.
I thought life would go back to normal once I was single again. Instead, I began feeling frightened all the time. I felt sick walking the dog to the local corner shop and I couldn't work or drive the kids to school. Going out with my friends filled me with panic and my radio show was out of the question, too.
My GP prescribed antidepressants and gave me a pamphlet on panic attacks. The medication made me feel shocking and I worried what I'd come to.
I truly thought I was going mad. I was frightened I'd lose my job and, if I didn't pull myself together, my kids. I dreamed of a time when I could go for a walk without feeling overcome with fear, see my friends and go for a swim like I used to.
Desperate for help, I contacted the anxiety disorders support group on the back of the pamphlet. They put me in touch with a psychologist, Catherine Madigan, who offered to see me that afternoon. "I want my life back," I told her. "I can't understand what's happened to me."
I booked a cab to Catherine's rooms. I felt sick as it pulled up but knew I had to go. I managed to make the 20-minute trip. Catherine made me feel safe and explained that panic attacks were actually shots of adrenaline. She reassured me it was quite common to experience them after times of stress. It was the emotional equivalent of a heart attack or an ulcer.
She taught me to breathe deeply to relax, and to rationalise my fears. Each week, she challenged me to confront the panic attacks by driving around the block, or going for a swim by myself. I felt sick walking up to the pool's entry counter but, once I was through the turnstile, I realised I'd done it and felt proud. I was doing what I'd set out to do - getting back to normal.
I went back to work, at first just for a few hours, then a couple of days a week. Every time I felt panicky, I tried to calm down and recalled my goal - getting my life back.
After two months, I managed to drive the kids to school. We didn't make a big deal of it, but I was cheering inside.
Now, eight months after the panic attacks began, I'm achieving my dream of being normal again. I work four days a week, I'm back on air, I swim, see my friends and I'm a good mum to my kids. I still feel panicky if I have to do something new, but that will fade in time. I'm proud of myself for beating the attacks. With determination, you can do anything you want.
Reprinted with permission from the FOR ME magazine (Issue
12 December, 1999)
