There is Hope!
BY Bernie – March 2007 (ADAVIC Member)
We held the 3 rd Bernie’s Bike Ride recently, something that 2 ½ years ago was unthinkable. This is only one of quite a number of recent changes in my life resulting from my ongoing recovery from Social Anxiety and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
I now know that I have had chronic anxiety for many years. I’m not sure why or how it started but it’s been there a long time. It affected all areas of my life and I developed three main strategies to cope with it. The only ones I knew were avoidance where possible, alcohol, and of course putting on a face to all and sundry.
I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t know what and felt my whole life was a lie. I put most of my symptoms down to stress. It was convenient, plausible and of course acceptable.
Things all came to a head 2 ½ years ago. I was working in a medium business where the owner managed the business by fear. He used aggression as a means of getting things done his way, the only way. Once he got a set against someone, he would harass and badger them until he had had enough and sack them on the spot or the employee would give up and quit on the spot. The staff turnover of the place was very high and he could not understand why!
If anyone made a decision, even a minor one, which he didn’t know about, there would be massive verbal repercussions. The only time that the place ran smoothly was when he went overseas or on holiday.
I worked there for three years, seeing his aggression targeted against various people, including me, all the time thinking “I can handle this!” What I didn’t see was the fear and anxiety building up inside.
Finally, it got to me. I would go to work with fear in my heart. The entire day would be spent wondering if it was my turn next and I basically gave up. I couldn’t focus on my work, couldn’t finish anything and pretty well sat back and waited.
In the meantime though, something, maybe my sense of self preservation, sent me to my local GP. I had had enough of the fear, in the work situation, socially and with life in general. I saw my local GP with the full intention of being prescribed medication to make it all go away. There was no other way I thought, to get through each and every day. I also knew that due to my addictive nature that once I started medication I would never really get off. “So be it!” I thought, if it makes me feel better.
Being at the lowest ebb in my life, I let it all out to my GP, for the first time ever. Once I started, I didn’t stop until I was exhausted and in tears. Alcohol, gambling, critical financial situation, no social outlets, being alone , the fear every day and night, inability to focus on anything, wanting to give up and run away from everything. I told him that I needed medication to help me get through this tough patch and life in general.
To my surprise he listened and seemed to care!
THAT day was the start to my recovery.
He told me that he wasn’t going to prescribe anything and diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety. He rang a psychologist immediately and arranged for me to see him within the week. He explained to me what these disorders were and although I understood, I doubted his diagnosis and proposed treatment. I had wanted the medication to make it all go away. I thought “it’s got to be better than nothing though”.
A week later I saw the Psychologist who from the first visit started talking about techniques for managing my anxiety and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). It took over three months of weekly therapy, homework, reading about anxiety, writing how I felt, pages and pages of it, and encouragement, before I could even start to understand that all was not lost. I started to think that maybe there was hope. Another nine months was spent being encouraged to challenge my fears and put myself, gradually, into anxiety provoking situations.
Together the psychologist and I put together a strategy plan combining:
- Regular exercise, walking and bike riding
- Relaxation exercises and learning how to breathe
- Identification of thinking patterns
- Building self esteem and assertiveness
- Understanding the symptoms and recognising levels of anxiety
- A graduated plan to expose myself to my fears and facing them
- Ongoing support from both my GP and Psychologist
- ADAVIC support group
- When necessary, diversion strategies.
It’s been a roller coaster 2 ½ years but overall positive. I have been able to:
- Join a bike club and start regular exercise
- Volunteer at a community centre
- Quit my job and finally find another
- Run a bike ride with the club
- Discuss anxiety issues with some members of my family as well as others
- Become a lead volunteer at the community centre
- Volunteer at ADAVIC fundraisers
- Run three “Bernie’s Bike Rides”
- Develop a social network with some wonderful people who I can call friends.
Each of these steps has been a real challenge and initially anxiety ridden. In some cases, it has taken two or three tries to actually make the step. The positive is that I finally took them.
I find now that the more I face, the easier it is to face the next challenge. These challenges are now coming thick and fast both in a work environment and socially. I am now able to face most of them. There are bad days still and I am still quite anxious a lot of the time. The difference is that now I know what it is and have developed strategies to work with it.
Anxiety does not now stop me from living life.
A promotion at work has now resulted in me moving to Brisbane. So now I feel I am starting all over again but this time, a lot wiser, with strategies in place to cope with and counter the inevitable anxiety when it occurs.
There is hope !
