Health Tips
Anxiety and Intimacy - Part Two
by Brien Cole
When Anxiety Gets in the Way
Anxiety gets in the way of our everyday life. Consider the following situations. You are talking, somewhat loudly and forcibly to your child about something important. As you talk he begins to become irritable and anxious. You know he has stopped listening. You speak louder. He becomes even more anxious.
You are speaking to your partner who yet again isn’t taking in a word you say. It is so dam frustrating that you start to scream. Your screaming makes you feel better temporarily; at least you get it out but at the cost of them becoming even more anxious around you. Naturally you think they are just trying to avoid the conversation. When what they are actually trying to avoid is the anxiety around the conversation.
Anxious people will do anything to avoid the sensations of anxiety. These sensations are so uncomfortable for them that they will become the focus of their attention. Rather than address the actual issue being raised they will focus exclusively on the anxiety it provokes and try and avoid the feelings of anxiety. Therefore the real issue never gets addressed.
Caroline asks Dave to talk to his supervisor in order to take next Wednesday off to pick up the kids. Talking to his supervisor makes Dave extraordinarily anxious, talking about talking to his supervisor makes Dave anxious. To avoid feeling anxious he simply agrees. He does not however do what he has agreed to do. He had after all agreed only to avoid the immediate anxiety. However Caroline thinks she has had a conversation with and come to an arrangement with Dave. Dave only knows that he has avoided the immediate anxiety by simply acquiescing, “whatever you say.”
Dave delays talking to his supervisor to avoid feeling anxi ous . It has not occurred to Dave that everything he has done has only made the situation and the anxiety around it worse. Dave finally talks to his supervisor on Tuesday, but by then it is too late, someone else has already taken the afternoon off and he is needed. Since talking to his supervisor makes him extraordinarily anxious he acquiesces again and says, “it doesn’t matter.” It actually does matter. He has let Caroline down. He has let his kids down. He has let himself down. He has destroyed some trust between himself and Caroline , and himself and his kids, and he has not ultimately avoided any of the anxiety, only made it worse.
Ruby asks her fourteen year old son Sam if he has done his homework. Sam hasn’t, he doesn’t know how to do the work and whenever he becomes confused or uncertain he becomes anxious. The moment he becomes anxious he goes into avoidance. Avoidance not necessarily of the situation but of the sensation. The difference is important. He says, “yes” but saying yes locks him into not asking for the help he needs, since if he has already done it he doesn’t, by definition need help.
Two different but similar situations, both frustrating for the other person, and ultimately anxiety provoking for the anxious person.
How do we apply a circuit breaker?
The critical moment is the first answer. The first answer is wrong not because it is a lie but because it comes from the wrong place. The first answer is not the answer to the question but a reflex response to the sensation.
This is where the circuit breaker is needed.
Step One.
Never lock in the initial response, recognize that the initial response to anything is not about the question, only about the sensation the question evokes.
Is this a “yes” I will do it. Or a “Yes” I am feeling anxious and I will agree to anything so long as you will leave me alone ?
Step Two;
Recognize what you are dealing with. “I am actually too anxious to answer that question now , i s the true answer, use it. Know when you are anxious. Be aware of your bodily sensations, if you are feeling anxious acknowledge it. ” I am feeling a little bit anxious now is a useful response. Especially as the alternative is to deny and avoid the sensation.
Step Three;
Take a moment to breath. This applies to both parties. Breathe deeply and step back.
Step Four;
Choose to Re-engage, Can we do this again without anxiety ?
This is not about avoiding anxiety. This is about recognizing the difference between responding out of anxiety and responding from what I really think about this.
Can I sit with the sensation of anxiety long enough to respond to this question tru thfully. That is the question.
Dave could answer, “I am really anxious about talking to my supervisor.”
And Caroline may well be able to encourage Dave at that point, “Your supervisor will be okay with it, you know she appreciates your work.”
While Ruby could breathe herself down, recognize that Sam is feeling anxious and if she stays frustrated he will stay anxious and instead re-engage with him from a different tack.
“How about we look at this in half an hour and see where you are up to with the start of what you are doing.”
We tend to fall into habitual responses which look like this;
“Demands” provoke feelings of being “threatened” in the anxious person.
Feelings of being “threatened” provokes “anxiety.”
Anxiety is countered with “frustration” and frustration provokes greater demands and leading to greater anxiety and nobody can get back to the beginning. In fact every time it happens it makes our relationships that little bit harder.
Recognize the pattern. Have a strategy in place to “step back” from the dynamic which is happening here. And put this strategy in place however badly, but “do something different.” It will help both of you. It will help the anxious party to recognize when they slip into anxiety and the other party to recognize how it is for the anxious person and that there are approaches which work better than others. It is an enormous first step to just be aware of the dynamics we set up between ourselves and those we love and a great act of hope that we can change them.
Brien Cole suffered from anxiety for most of his life. Until three years ago when he attended Bev Aisbett’s anxiety recovery program (an Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria program) and began a journey of recovery.
Brien brings his skills as a Naturopath, plus his personal experience and understanding to his treatment of anxiety disorders. The aim of his approach is based on the knowledge that you cannot be anxious in a relaxed body and through a combination of skills counselling and natural therapies we can learn to calm the body and quieten the mind.
Brien practices Naturopathy in Kooyong Rd. Caulfield.
He can be contacted on mobile 0427 957 605
Phone 9532 9897
Email brienLcole@hotmail.com
Website www.naturalanxietyrecovery.com
