HEALTHY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
by: A Carer parent who continues to learn the hard way!
One of the more difficult areas for carers of people with mental illness may be that of setting and maintaining limits and of clearly defining personal boundaries.
In many instances, mental illness manifests itself in adolescence, when these are issues that parents must struggle through anyway, with the progress towards autonomous adulthood being quite erratic at times, as teenagers quite naturally test the limits imposed upon them as children.
A major problem with adolescent onset of mental illness can be that the journey towards autonomy has been interrupted, and the adolescent does not necessarily have the skills to move forward into maturity without professional help. The young relative may be genuinely extremely vulnerable and seemingly helpless, and the parent/s may instinctively move to protect and nurture, as they would a young child.
However, the ill person is not a young child, and parents can be easy targets for unreasonable behaviour and excessive expectations of rescue and support. Unfortunately, this situation can continue indefinitely if the illness becomes entrenched, particularly if substance misuse is also a factor, and the time must come to stand back and take stock. It is all too easy to have to learn the hard way, after our savings are depleted, our own important relationships have become irrevocably damaged and our self esteem, sense of wellbeing and quality of life have diminished to unacceptable levels.
Becoming a prudent observer may pay important dividends. How did your relative cope with the most recent crisis compared with the one before? Are there signs that some learning has taken place, however painfully? In the case of Bipolar Disorder, are episodes of excessive spending and reckless sexual behaviour becoming more moderate? Is abuse of substances beginning to diminish? How did the person cope with debts incurred? If you had to set a limit on financial help, what did s/he do to deal with the situation? Is your relative becoming more aware of early warning signs of relapse and going off treatment and medication less often? Is there some indication of a growing ability to use mental health services appropriately and to sustain this connection?
Try some discreet checking with others to get a more rounded view of your relative’s daily life if they do not live with you: they may be leading a much more satisfactory life than you fear or are led to believe. Many carers will have become caught up in exhausting scenarios which can leave them feeling mentally battered, confused and possibly very angry, and a pattern of rescuing, responding to guilt (either from within or imposed), and being taken on yet another emotional roller coaster ride can become the distressing and unsatisfactory norm.
Becoming more aware of as many aspects of the situation as possible is vital. Watch your own patterns of response. Do you find that you are succumbing to stress related health problems when the pressure is too sustained? Are you convinced that expending all your own resources will improve the situation of your mentally ill relative? You are entitled to have quality of life, good health and personal security, and one way to achieve and sustain this is to set and maintain limits and healthy personal boundaries.
Sometimes it is necessary to stand firmly against your relative, even when their situation may seem extreme to you. Make it clear that whilst you sympathise, you are not in a position to help out this time. Do not feel you need a watertight justification. If you do too much for too long, your own vulnerability to stress related disorder can become a significant factor. Show him/her you have faith that solutions can be found, that support is available and gently put the responsibility back where it really belongs if at all possible, and stay firm in your resolve. It can be very hard to watch someone you care about enter repeatedly into very basic struggles for survival, but it has to happen, as far as possible, if growth and optimum independence are to occur.
Let your relative know occasionally that you are human and vulnerable too. Be aware that if you set a firm limit, there may be a dramatic, wounding and sustained backlash, and that you will have to ride this out. Such a negative response may well be a sign that your sensitivities are not respected, thus reinforcing the need for the boundaries.
If you are entering into a conscious phase of limit setting, you may need counselling and/or mutual support for a time, since deliberately distancing yourself from someone with whom you have been more intimate can be quite stressful; new strategies can be difficult to learn and need practice. Distracting, absorbing activities can also help. With time, you will become better at fine tuning and flexibly maintaining limits.
Remember you are not the only human being who can relate to and support your relative, and place some trust in others who are involved in care and support.
If you can learn to like and care for yourself and have clear discernible boundaries, you will be less vulnerable to being manipulated and misused, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and this is healthy for your relative as well as you.
Good luck and good health!
ARAFEMI Victoria: Online Stories www.arafemi.org.au
