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Noel's story
This page uploaded 31 July 2009
By Noel
3rd March 1993. My daughter arrived here with car trouble. " Please fix it Dad, I need it in two hours" ANXIETY attack, can't deal with dead lines.
1st April 1993. My Granddaughter is here with us, she soiled her pants, I was so upset I abused my wife for not helping, no control, lost it completely
14th May 1993. This morning I am deeply depressed; don't know why, severe stomach cramps.
28th May 1993. Working in my den, a stressful thing for me, my wife interrupted, I lost control and dismissed her as if she were a small child. Subconsciously the situation reminded me of what it was like when I was working and continually interrupted.
3rd June 1993. Most disturbed, crying this morning, took two Xanax., I can't manage my feelings. My wife is still remote, due to my behaviour.
18th June 1993. Disturbing dreams last night, people ridiculing me, pointing out my failures. Difficulty filling out bank withdrawal forms; transferring dates from bank statement to an account book I made seven mistakes in thirteen entries. I used to be responsible for an annual turnover of over $90M, God help me!!
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Hi there, above is a selection of diary entries. I made many entries from 1989 to 1999, noting my struggle with anxiety / depression.
Revisiting my diaries and other notes, which I haven't looked at for years, has caused me some anguish but happily no anxiety or panic attacks, in fact I found it difficult to relate to the person I once was.
How come ?? Perhaps a little trip into the past may assist you to understand how I managed to overcome my gross reaction to every day events.
My childhood was relaxed; my brother and I enjoyed loving parents and pursued our studies with pleasure.
I commenced work with an Aircraft Manufacturer as an apprentice engineer, being a person who loved detail, precision engineering was a breeze. Once I had achieved my engineering qualifications I married a sweet caring woman. Money was short so I left the aircraft industry for greater rewards in textiles. I held the position of Industrial Engineer with a carpet company for a while and then was promoted to a consulting role to a number of plants over three states. I traveled overseas for the organization on many occasions and enjoyed life to the full.
My next challenge was in management, when I joined a company as Factory Manager responsible for 300 staff. I then moved on to manage a plant employing 600 people and eventually was appointed to the position of Manufacturing Director responsible for plants operating over three states with a combined turnover of some $90M. During this period I found the time to lecture in Industrial Engineering for seven years.
What you say !, no anxiety or panic, that's coming.
I resigned my position as Director and took up a challenge in the health care field working for a large public hospital. At that time I did not appreciate the politics, hidden agenda and conflict that were then, part of hospital life.
The first seven years were filled with success and I felt rewarded by the improvement in working conditions, productivity and reduced operating cost and most of all, an improved quality of service to the 90 odd health institutions we supplied.
That all changed in March 1985 when unions perceived that the organization I managed could be used as a lever to win industrial disputes located elsewhere in the health care system.
I noted over the next 71 months 62 major conflicts when our supplies to the ill and infirm were threatened. This period was characterized by hidden agendas, rapidly changing political moves, pressure from unions, Health Department, hospitals and from within. Conflicts, walkouts, strikes, work bans, lowered staff morale, compromised production and personal harassment characterized these years.
I struggled hard both to maintain morale and supply, often working myself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.
Despite an enormous effort I was overwhelmed by my internal conflict, trying to be flexible, attempting to choose between one staff member or interest group and another, feeling I was being duped, misled, and perhaps most importantly feeling that I had been deserted or failing in my support of my many vulnerable employees.
In January 1991 I was sitting at my desk when I lost partial sight, followed by what I now know to be a panic attack. Chest pain, nausea, difficult breathing, light-headiness, memory loss, insomnia and anger followed, those who have been down that path can well understand.
I visited my Doctor thinking I had had a heart attack. Geoff advised me to cease work and referred me to a Clinical Psychologist and then to a Psychiatrist. A long series of tests followed which I won't bore you with. My Psychiatrist managed my complaint during weekly visits, focusing on both medication and psychotherapy. I was encouraged to talk through my feelings and experiences to better understand why I had been reacting the way I had. I was also taught what I now know to be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I still visit my Psychiatrist, but only once a year, we are good friends and she knows me better than I know myself.
In 1997 I had reached a plateau under my Psychiatrist's care, I was still medicated and although I managed to live a mostly pleasurable life however, I felt I needed to move upwards and onwards without medication, taking full control of my life again.
I happened upon an article written by Garry McDonald, who at that time was a sufferer too. I rang a South Australian number Gary had mentioned and was given the Victorian number to what is now known as ADAVIC. A polite young lady (Anna) at ADAVIC dealt with my enquiry informing me of a Tuesday night support group, I can well remember her closing remark " many people say they will come along but many don't, it's the nature of the beast of a complaint you have"
I was nervous but excited that first night and greatly surprised that others were suffering as I was, my Psychiatrist hadn't told me there were others.
How enormously grateful I am that I discovered Anna and her group, our Facilitator Adrian gently guided us towards better self understanding and management of our particular problem, everyone was very supportive and Tuesday nights were looked forward to.
Through ADAVIC I have now reached my goal, I am drug free and every day is pleasurable once again, sure I get nervous occasionally but never anxious.
Goodbye and good wishes
Note: Noel Brown is now the Vice-President of the ADAVIC Committee. He is loved and respected by all here at the Association.
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