My Journey

I am a fairly new member to the Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria (although I am wishing I had found them years ago), and I have been thoroughly enjoying reading my newsletter. I love hearing everyone’s stories and I am always reassured to know that I am not on this journey we call “mental illness” on my own.

Today I felt compelled to share my story with you, seeing as so many others have opened up their hearts and lives to share their stories.

I guess my story shouldn’t be too much unlike everyone else’s, but I think what makes my story that little bit different is that I am further along my journey than many of you are.

The story begins with a 29 year old woman who had everything she could possibly want in life – a great partner, a brilliant job, money, a fast car, a fantastic house, tonnes of clothes and a huge future – and it ends with a 33 year old woman who once again has everything she could possibly want in life – although the list is a fair bit different to the one above. I still have the great partner and a huge future, but it is losing the things in between that has been a huge part of this journey.

At the age of 29 and with the world at my feet I experienced the first of many panic attacks. This of course, is the one that none of us will forget. (I even remember the time of day it happened!!) These continued and got worse for many months to come. My “brilliant job” became too hard to handle, so I sat at home on the couch. I lost my income and my car, I sold my clothes on ebay and suddenly the most exciting thing in my life was watching Oprah at 2pm everyday. I have to tell you at this point that if I did not have the loving and supportive family and man in my life that I have, I am not sure that I would be capable of writing this story today.

I am now 33. I run my own internet business, I work part time in a retail store, I am about 80% of my way through this journey I had to take, and I am the happiest I have been in a long, long time.

I won’t sugar coat this for you. It has been tough, very tough …….

There have been days that have felt like Mt Everest and others that have only felt like Mt Buller. But I want you all to know that over time, these mountains do get smaller. I still have my bad days, but now bad days only seem like Mt Dandenong. And the goods ones feel like sunshine.

Everyone will tell you that it is all the people around you who get you through this journey. And whilst it is true that a great GP, a psychologist, a wonderful family and a loving spouse and great friends are all very important to this journey, they are not the most important part. YOU are. It was the days that I decided I had to fight, that I fought the hardest. It was the days that I decided I had to take another step further, that I went the furthest. And it was the days that I decided I would make great that were the greatest. It was not the decisions of any of these other people. Maybe that is just the stubborn side of me, but some days it was that side of me that I needed to work for me.

I know many of you will agree with me here, that one of the most frustrating parts of dealing with this disorder, is the perception that others have of us. I will call these people “outsiders”, for want of a better word. These “outsiders” seem to think that we are lazy, silly, stupid, crazy etc. (and I’m sure there are plenty more insults that I haven’t yet heard). But I will NEVER say that about any of us. I know too well that our apparent laziness or unwillingness to work or contribute to life is due to fear. And I know how crippling that fear can be. But if I can help just one person today, I want you to know that there really is nothing to fear. Sure, the first steps (whatever your first steps are – as everyone’s are different) are hard, really hard …….

But believe me, they are the hardest and then everything else after that is a lot easier. Taking those first few steps to conquering your fears really does give you the confidence to do and try more.

Another small piece of advice that I want to give everyone, is to praise yourself when you do take a step forward. I didn’t do this …… and became my own worst enemy because of that. But once I learnt how to do this, I can honestly say that it makes moving forward a hell of a lot easier. In doing this, you need to take time out for yourself. You need to sit down and say to yourself “you did really well today…”, and you need to pat yourself on the back. And this helps to give you confidence to do and try more things. I found that a great motivator for me was rewards. It almost became like dog training …… I would set myself a goal for the week. It may have been to spend half an hour at the supermarket, or to go to a crowded market, or to go to the football at the MCG (this was one of the very last goals I set myself!!). And I would set myself a reward. In my case, as I love clothes and shoes, it would be to reward myself with a new skirt or a new pair of shoes. Which in turn would make me want to get out and try new things, because I had a new skirt or a new pair of shoes to show off. We need to do these things to make ourselves feel better.

I am certainly no expert on this matter. I only know what I know, because I went through it myself. And I know that most of you would have doctors or psychologists that know what they are talking about. And you should always listen to them. But I just thought that maybe one or two of you out there would want to hear it from someone whose done it …… take those first steps to getting through this journey, everything after that seems so much easier. And life DOES get better …… I know, because mine has and I want yours to as well. And I hope that in time I can meet some of you at support groups or lectures, so that I can say hi and wish you well.