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Amelia's story
This page uploaded 31 July 2009
By Amelia
It was January this year (1999) when someone very dear to me almost lost her
life. Filled with turbulent emotions, I sat aimlessly in the hospital room by
her bedside, when suddenly I had the most dreadful feeling overcome me - I
suffered a major panic attack.
I had suffered panic attacks since
around the age of 22. When it all began, I couldn't understand what was
happening with my body. What was happening to my mind? Was I going mad? Would
people accept me because of my behaviour? I found that with my panic attacks I
also suffered from agoraphobia. I didn't know where to go, who to turn to.
My attacks have occurred randomly throughout the past six years. There
were times where I almost forgot I suffered from them, yet there were times
where my life was based around the fear and anxiety of when and where I may
experience another unannounced attack. With panic, I suffered weak legs,
tingling throughout my entire body, choking sensations, sweaty palms, shaking
and derealisation of my surrounding - I felt I was going to faint and sometimes
I thought I might die.
This year was the real crunch for me. No longer
could I go through the emotional upheaval. I was feeling extremely vulnerable as
a person, at times so depressed and worthless. I was so scared that I tended to
protect myself with this invisible barrier, not wanting to let anyone into my
world, in fear of the embarrassment and humiliation of people knowing I suffered
from panic attacks. I decided to seek advice and found someone who could help me
and make me understand why my body and mind reacted the way they did to certain
situations and places.
Last June I found support. Never before had I
discussed with anyone the issues, experiences, happiness, sadness, lows and
highs of my life. I found that these experiences had contributed to my fears and
had increased my anxiety, which had resulted in panic attacks. Throughout the
therapy sessions I would laugh at silly behavioural patterns I had adopted. The
likes of carrying a bottle of water, wherever I went in fear of panicking and
believing water to be my saviour!! When going to the cinema, I would request to
be seated on the outside of the aisle, preparing myself to race out the doors in
fear of a panic attack.
The most important lesson I learnt with fear
and panic is to face your fears. Never to avoid situations that scare you, but
to instead put yourself in the feared situation itself. The human mind is an
incredible tool. My memory would remind me of places and times when I had
experienced an attack. I never thought it would leave, but it does fade in time.
One of the most valuable explanations of learning how not to panic was to learn
how to breath properly. I was taught a fabulous technique called the 'body
flop'. This would relax not only my body but also my mind. To this very day, I
still practice the technique and also concentrate on my breathing by taking
long, slow, deep breaths.
One thing you must learn to do, is trust
people and places. You are safe no matter where you go or what you do. The
simple task of getting in the car with a friend and driving to the shops was an
ordeal for me. I would build myself up into such a stew, that I felt I couldn't
even trust the person for less than a kilometre drive. In turn I would panic and
this would bring on an attack. It is so important to keep exposing yourself to
situations that you would usually avoid - keep facing your fears.
To
this very day, I may sometimes suffer a slight tingle in my hands or a slight
feeling of derealisation - but I know that all I have to do is breathe and
relax. When I first learnt about 'welcoming in the fear' I would drive along in
the car saying out aloud 'well fear, if you are going to get me, come and get
me.' At first, I thought to myself, what a load of hogwash, but it works and the
more you do it, the stronger and better you feel.
You can read many
books, attend seminars, read clippings from the newspapers or magazines, drink
certain teas, take certain herbal remedies, but my advice is to talk to someone.
You must get to the very core of your problems to be able to address them and to
move on in your life.
For 28 years I never felt very special. In fact,
I felt like a reject. Now, I know for sure, that I am a very special person,
warts and all!! People will love me for who and what I am. I know that having
overcome my fears and anxieties makes me a much more confident and offering
person today. My outlook on life is so much more directional, and so is my
attitude. My world has totally turned around since conquering my panic attacks.
I owe all my thanks to Sallee McLaren,
Psychologist.
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