The quest for personal growth continues

By Eva Savov  
Life at times can seem difficult - I believe that life just is. There are certain truths about life we cannot escape and that is the joy of birth and the sadness of death. This year I have experienced both the joys of my friends giving birth and the honour of being asked to be a Godmother and the sorrow of a parent dying.  
 
On the 29th of September 2001, Grand Final Day, the match of the year was Essendon v Brisbane Lions. I remember that day clearly. Early in the morning I went to the hairdressers, caught up with an old friend and spent some time with my best friend and my Goddaughter. It was a pleasant day, until the phone call and the voice on the other end saying 'your father has died'. At first I was in shock and I thought this cannot be, how can he be dead, he is only 56, it must be a mistake, they have it wrong, he was not ill, he cannot be dead. I went to the hospital, I saw my dad, he had a smile on his face, he looked peaceful, he can't be dead, he must be resting. They said he had a massive heart attack, they could not do anything for him, his life was over in 30 minutes.it doesn't make sense. I stood over his bed and looked at him. I remember saying in my mind 'wake up dad'. I am sure he heard me and his smile became bigger and brighter. I remember other people in the room. I stood there, I was numb, I leaned over and kissed him on his forehead, his body was cold.  
 
The next thing I remember was organising his funeral. I look back now and I don't know how I did it. Making the phone calls, picking out the coffin, buying his final clothes. The next time I saw my father was the night of the viewing. He was still smiling. I stood by his coffin, my brothers around me as well, I remember my youngest brother breaking out in tears, I felt his pain, I was being strong, they needed me to be strong, but I was crumbling inside. The priest wanted my dad's history. Somehow I told him everything he needed to know.  
 
The day of the funeral, in the church during the service is when I felt the anxiety come back. I forgot how dreadful the feeling was. At the cemetery, as the coffin was being lowered down I felt my legs give way, I thought I was going to drop to my knees, I felt weak, my whole body from the inside was trembling and I felt a sharp pain within, that pain was sorrow.I still feel the sorrow.  
 
It has been two months now since my father passed away. These past weeks have not been easy. A thousand and one thoughts have gone through my mind.life somehow needs to go on. Theoretically I understand the grieving process and I have assisted people going through the grieving process, now I am going through it. Sometimes it becomes hard to practice what you preach. There are days when I feel lost and the anxiety becomes high. The anxiety does not scare me, I understand it is a natural process my body is experiencing considering the circumstances. But the sorrow, the deep sorrow, it feels like a bottomless void of anguish and despair. It's an inner sadness, that continues in all your waking and sleeping moments.but life somehow needs to go on. I went back to work, maybe a bit too soon. I became ill, my whole body shut down. I felt the anxiety, the nausea, the pain in the chest and throat, I found it difficult to breathe, and I had pains and aches all over my body. The initial phase of the grieving process. Physically I am becoming strong now, I need to be strong, for myself, I have a life that is waiting for me to continue living. I have a job to go back to, my full time job that I enjoy and the people there make me laugh and my voluntary job, where I make a difference in the community.  
 
Now I am going through the middle stages of the grieving process. The numb and shock feeling is fading away, but I feel hollow, as if everything has stood still. Nevertheless, I am becoming stronger.  
 
I am glad I allowed myself to feel and experience and still experience the grieving process. Denying it would have made things even worse. I am also fortunate that I have good friends around me that support me and have given me the time and love to heal. I haven't healed completely as yet, but I know I am on the road to recovery and although there are times when I feel I can't make it through the hour, let alone through the day, my inner strength has prevailed.  
 
Every day we discover something new about ourselves. We all deal with situations differently and only through our own experiences we learn what is best for us. That is what personal growth is all about. Soon after my father died, I thought the best thing was to try to go back to my life and continue living it. My body decided to vote against it. I listened to what my body was telling me and I took the time off to recover. There is no time set on how long the grieving process should be. I have learnt though, when you pay attention to what your mind, body and emotions are experiencing, you allow the grieving to happen and you learn to accept and to heal sooner.  
 
Through this difficult time a friend of mine sent me the following poem, I loved him and hated him at the same time, because the words bear so much truth, but these words are the ones that have made things more clear to me.  
 

Too mourn too long
for those we love
is self indulgent
but to honour their memory
with a promise
to live a little better
for having known them,
gives purpose to their life
and some reason for their death..

 
  Finally, I have made the promise to live a little better. Most of you, who know me, know that I am a smoker. I have given up smoking. I decided to do what I know works best for me. A lot of herbal tea, meditation, aromatherapy baths and rest. My physical body shut down because of the emotional pain I was going through and that is why the antibiotics were not helping me and I was not getting stronger. Dealing with the emotional pain is helping my physical body recovery. The sadness, the longing I will carry that with me as I go about my daily life and I will also remember my father with fondness and love. And life does go on.  
 
9.12.2001