I get blamed so much

by Ken Strong
Several of the topics covered in this book are the result of questions put to me and others on my internet site. If the questions seems to be of wide interest I will post them for discussion to my mail list for caregivers. Such was the origin of the topic of "blaming". As is frequently the case, many of the members of the group came to realise they were not alone in finding themselves the frequent target of blame.  
 
This does not mean to imply that as support people we walk on water and do no wrong. We make just as many mistakes as the next person - and probably more when we are getting strung out.  
 
For the sake of clarification I have divided "blame" into five categories.
1.You did it and goofed badly.
You didn't look when backing out of the garage and ran over your daughter's bike.
2.You did it but there was no harm intended.
You may not feel you even did anything wrong. It normally would not be an issue. Have you ever been told, " I know I could have driven to the store if only you had not left the car radio on. It blasted me out of my seat when I turned on the ignition. I am too upset now to go."?
3.You did it (maybe) but the event is so minor it normally should not be an issue.
"I was all set to phone about the plumbing bill but you took the pen away from the phone. You know these things upset me. Now I am too shaky to phone."
4.You know you didn't do it.
"You left the clothes washer tap on again. It could have flooded us out." You have not been near it and you may even be hard pressed to recall where the washer and dryer live.
5.Being blamed for the person having anxiety or for them thinking they are not making much progress -- or for even having setbacks.
"How do you expect me to get better when you are acting that way? Maybe I am going to have to leave."
Unfortunately, in a world where fear, stress, anxiety, guilt, lack of confidence and, low self-esteem rule; blaming can be common. Without all parties working towards it, this is not likely to happen. This can be one of your shared goals.  
 
It would be positive for the whole family if blame were not raised. Instead of, "You did it!", something like, "I found the laundry taps on. Let's double check them after we use the washer."  
 
Why Does a Person Act this Way?  
 
When I look back on my murky days of depression and panic attacks I can see I did a lot of blaming of my poor wife for almost everything. Recalling that painful time I think I can list several causes.
•With a high anxiety level I didn't want to even think about the problem or address it. "That's not my problem. Don't come to me about it."
•My mind, at times, was such a fuzz I didn't know if I had done it or not. I certainly could 'reconstruct' events to convince myself I had not done it.
•My self-image could not take any criticism nor acknowledge I had done wrong.
•Frustration with myself and with others turned into anger and blaming.
What Can You do About it?  
 
My files contain several letters from people who have made suggestions for dealing with blaming. They come from both caregivers and those with anxiety. However, every situation is different.
•Remember you are dealing with an ill human being who deserves respect. Don't call the person, stupid, nuts, etc. and don't belittle.
•Don't have too thin a skin. You don't have to react to everything...especially the petty ones.
•Try to keep calm. Two people mad/frustrated will usually not be able to solve the problem.
•Stay focused. Deal with one thing at a time. It is easy to become sidetracked.
•If you are in the wrong admit it and move on.
•If it is a serious matter or a pattern of blaming is developing the following have found to be useful. If it is a very minor matter, some have found it helps to point out that it is not worth the energy to argue about it. But it may be important to the anxious person. Remember part of the healing process is relearning to distinguish between the important things and the 'so what's'.)
•State your position positively, firmly, clearly and calmly.
•After stating your position it may help to leave the area for awhile with something positive like, "I think we should talk about this later after we have both been able to think about it."
Letters  
 
It is always helpful to be able to see both sides. Below is a letter dealing with blame and related topics. It is not strictly about blame..but real life is not strictly compartmentalised either. Blame can be expressed in many faces. Here, Jean is expressing her frustration in many forms of blame including the cause of her condition.  
 
Dear Ken,
As a person with anxiety who does at times lose it and start to blame my spouse I can offer the following possible reasons. It usually happens when I am feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities and do not feel supported by my husband. Often he withdraws to look after his own problems just when I feel especially vulnerable. I have to chase after him and ask for help or attention and this is humiliating. I get angry after feeling hurt and uncared for.
 
I also get angry when I feel patronized. Presumably the caregiver could always leave which is one of the common fears of people with anxiety, (abandonment) however I have often wondered why they stay and what benefits they get out of such an "unequal " relationship. I don't think many caregivers are very self reflective but the ones with anxiety certainly are and do take more of their share of responsibility for any conflicts in a relationship. Some days its just too much to suffer in silence and we lash out. We try to do all we can on our own with what definitely seems like inferior coping skills and nerves that are exhausted yet are supposed to be calm and not overreact when we are driven up the wall.  
 
Jean
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The internet mail group mentioned above is one which I started a couple of years ago. The original intention was for just support people to be members but people with anxiety joined and we found it very illuminating to be able to discuss our problems and concerns in the mixed group. Everyone is welcome to join. You can become part of the group by going to:  
 
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/ACSL  
 
© Oakminster Publishing 2001  
 

Ken Strong lives in Victoria, B.C. Canada. His internet site for carers has won numerous mental health awards - http://www.pacificcoast.net/~kstrong/

Ken Strong is also the author of the highly recommended book,

ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS AND AGORAPHOBIA - Information For Support People, Family and Friends, which is now in its second edition. ISBN 0929028104

In Australia the book may be purchased through Bronwyn Fox by ringing (08) 8555-5012 or email her on hub@paems.com.au