Games parents can play

Marie was badly hurt in a car accident many years ago. Her youngest daughter Kelly was just five years of age and Kelly is just finishing school this year. She is finding it hard to go out and have fun and just act like a carefree teenager. Lately she has been feeling very depressed and powerless. Her mother rang to make an appointment. Now, generally, I can usually get most fathers and mothers to come for the initial appointment, even if they are managing directors of large corporations. However, Marie could not get her husband to come. I saw Kelly and her mother on her own.
The next thing Marie did when she was making the appointment was to tell that she was on a pension. Thus I said that I would charge half my normal fee. When Marie came in she was walking very poorly but was well presented. Unfortunately she was wearing a pair of diamond earings.

Having done three years of a jewellery course I can recognise most stones. In fact, I have a girl friend that got a pair for her birthday. Having often looked at them in jewellery shops, I can assure you, they are pretty expensive.

I was furious. Apparently, she has a husband in fulltime work, with a good superannuation scheme. I, on the other hand, see many people for whom I get paid less or not all and, as a single parent, I can't afford to retire until I am seventy, at the rate I am going. What does this all mean? It is not about diamond earings. It is about games people play even when they are not well. Although they say they can¹t cope, they can in fact, be very determined and self centred at times. This means that they end up using others and making them angry, like Kelly and me.

I believe that what Marie was doing to me was what she has been doing to Kelly all her life. Marie has no social life and no interests. She expects all her attention to come from her family. Her husband, I have discovered, does not have a good relationship with her; her son is busy doing his own thing. It is up to Kelly to be there for her mother at the expense of her own life. Kelly needs to learn how to go out and have fun. Her mother needs to create a life of her own. Even if she is feeling very bad, there is always the phone, the Internet to catch up with people, she can invite people over and there are always books and music to fill her day when she is feeling very bad.

Whether you have a physical or psychological disability you need to build your own life and not depend on your children to entertain you and worry constantly about how you are coping. Although they will always feel responsible for you in some ways, you need to do what you can to show them that you can manage. Let¹s face it, you are the adult, and they, the children, need to have a childhood and adolescence and get on with their life. They cannot be siting at home feeling guilty that they can¹t do enough for you.

Many years ago I was married to a man with bi-polar disorder. I know that sometimes he was very ill. I also know that at other times he used his illness to avoid being responsible and respect my feelings. Be honest with yourself. Tell your children when you need them and when they can get on with their lives. They will be there for you when it is necessary, but if you are using them all the time they will suffer and blame themselves for your illness. If you let them get on with their lives and don¹t expect them to hang around you all the time, then they can grow up to become normal healthy adults who have a parent with health difficulties, not an unhealthy personality.  
 
Evelyn M. Field MAPS ASM